My college days were filled with some pretty progressive activities and affiliations. I participated in a lot of ethnic and LGBTQ related clubs and activities. My friends were then obviously really open minded and tolerant of many lifestyle choices. One friend of mine, Elena, was always very open about her sexuality. She is bi and a size queen.
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Later in life, after we were graduated, Elena spent some time traveling around the country searching for her fit. At some point, money ran dry and she realized she could make easy money stripping. She told me all about it as a “sexually liberated” woman, and it was agonizing to pretend like I wasn’t turned on by her stories. At some point, she started providing girlfriend experience escort services. She told me about that too, and she was actually a very compassionate person based on how she described her customers.
One night, laying in bed with my wife, Elena texts me randomly at like 11:30. It was an odd time for her to text me, so I checked it worrying something might be wrong. Instead, I stared really confused by her text because it just hit so strange. Still bewildered by what I thought I was reading, my wife asked “what is it? What’s going on with her?” So I read the text out loud, and that was the moment it clicked for me:
“Hey fucker, that little baby dick twitching for me?”
My wife gasped and asked “what the FUCK?!”
I was absolutely mortified because I had no clue what the hell was happening, but I was realizing how this looked. Then as I was bumbling like an idiot trying to come up with some plausible explanation as to why this text would come to me from Elena, I see the three dots indicating an incoming text. Now I was fucking panicking because my wife is staring at my screen, probably planning how she was going to murder me, then the next message pops up:
“OMFG! Please don’t read my last text! Wrong person.”
I texted back, “no worries. Won’t read it. Everything ok?”
And she explained “I was trying to text a customer and I accidentally sent to you. PLEASE don’t read. It’s embarrassing.”
I assured her I wouldn’t, but I couldn’t understand how she could actually believe that.
My wife seemed to chill out a bit, then within a half hour she was laughing about it, so I thought I was in the clear.
Well, a week later, Elena texts “hey, so, you read the message?”
I pretended to not remember what she was talking about, but she pressed on. So I fucked up and said “could you see the read receipt?”
She replied “no, you don’t have that on. I just figured you did and now you just told me.”
I was so embarrassed and felt so stupid.
“It’s ok,” she started, “it was dumb of me to expect you wouldn’t read it. Thanks for being cool about it.”
So I told her “no big deal. I didn’t want you to be embarrassed. I have to admit I was pretty freaked out.”
“Why?” She asked. “You know what I do. Did you think I was talking to you?”
“Well, yea,” I told her, “you texted ME.”
“But why would you freak out? If I texted you with something that was outrageous you would have said ‘no, I didn’t think that because why would you ask about my little dick when you don’t even know my size?’”
I felt like I was getting caught up in some kind of weird mind game, so I sort of squirmed and wrote “well, no, I don’t think you were talking to me. Why would you actually say that about me, right?”
She pressed and doubled down with “it’s ok if you have a little dick, lol. Maybe I was taking to you. Was your wife mad?”
I asked her “did she put you up to this? Because that’s not cool. That’s private.”
“Lol OMFG” she began, “dude, you’re 0-2. So you do have a small dick.”
I was spinning now. “This is inappropriate. Please stop talking about this with me. My wife was pissed and only chilled out when she realized that you were trying to text somebody else. Now you’re sending me a bunch of inappropriate messages about my dick. Not cool.”
“Ahhh, ok, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to trip you up. I’ll text your wife to explain.”
“NO!” I desperately exclaimed, “just drop it.”
No more messages. It just stopped there, so I assumed it was over.
Well, that night, laying in bed, my wife is texting wildly on her phone and now I’m getting nervous because she’s not a nighttime screen person. She puts her phone down finally, and rolls over to me. “So, Elena wrote to me. She apologized for the weird message she sent to you…but then she apologized for the ‘other ones too.’ What does she mean?”
Now I was fucking panicking. “Maybe she stinks she sent others that night? I don’t know,” I bumbled. Then my wife bursts into a chuckle and I’m so confused in the moment I just stared wide-eyed.
“Babe, relax, she told me what she sent you. Are you worried that now she knows your tiny secret?”
TBC