My last ex and I were together for 3 and a half years (almost 4). We had a long-distance relationship, and we lived about 2 hours apart by car (we met on Tinder).
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I left her because the distance was making me intolerant towards the relationship, and therefore also towards my ex… and since I wanted a more stable and less "demanding" and unsatisfying relationship, I decided with regret to break up with her (since, when it came down to it, neither of us was willing, for different reasons, to leave our own city).
Sex with her, though, was really amazing until the very last moment. I'll tell you more: I don't think I've ever felt so much pleasure (neither before, nor after her) with another girl. And it's precisely about sex that I want to talk… but first I must make a premise and explain certain things:
My ex, when we met, was about 25 years old (I was 26). Right from the start she told me she didn't have much sexual experience, because she'd always felt insecure about her body (she was 170 cm tall and weighed about 42-43 kg, so she was veeeery skinny and had a completely flat chest) and for a long time she had been ashamed to be seen naked by men. She told me that, before me, she'd only been with two other men, and with both she'd had only one sexual encounter.
Let me be clear: I'm not one of those jealous men who demands to know from his girlfriend how many men she's been with before him… all this information came out over time, because she herself told me almost right from the beginning…
Fact is that, after about a year and a half of being together, I happened to discover by pure chance that she, from the very beginning of our relationship, had been secretly chatting on Whatsapp with a guy she had never mentioned to me (I found out because a message from this guy arrived while she was showing me a video on her phone).
And, in short: it turns out that this guy was a man of about 45 years (a psychologist, married with children, who lived about 500 km from her home), and that this man was the one my ex had lost her virginity to a few months before meeting me. But not only that: she told me that she had met this man in some anonymous chat (I don't know which one, I’m not familiar with them), where she used to strip in front of much older men (many of them attracted by the fact that her body, due to her thinness, looked like that of a child…) to make them masturbate. She told me that, since she felt insecure and was afraid of having real relationships with men, from when she was a teenager (so even when she was underage) she had started stripping in chatrooms… until she decided to secretly meet (in another city, in a by-the-hour hotel) with one of the users — the guy from the Whatsapp messages, precisely — to have sex for the first time.
I won’t hide that this really shocked me (it felt like I had lived in a lie for over a year and a half… could we call it gaslighting, what she did?). Besides having deliberately omitted such an important part of her past and having told me a completely different story (without me, by the way, ever asking her anything about it…), it really disturbed me to find out that, especially when we argued, she felt the need to vent by talking to this ambiguous and clearly manipulative guy…
Still, I decided to forgive her and move past it, but inside I feel that this decision ended up ruining some of my "internal balance" (and this is the point of the discussion): gradually, after discovering these things, I started unconsciously sublimating my resentment toward my girlfriend through forms of sexualization that allowed me to feel in control of the situation.
Let me explain better: I started having sexual fantasies about wanting to share my girlfriend with other men. Initially I vented this fantasy through pornography (videos of straight scenes in which 2 men — one of whom, to satisfy my fantasy, had to be the woman’s husband or boyfriend — pleasure in every possible way a single woman, preferably very skinny)… After some time, though, I couldn’t hold back anymore and started telling my girlfriend about these fantasies, to see whether or not they made her uncomfortable.
To my extreme surprise, I found out that she really liked these fantasies too (she got extremely aroused when we talked about them)… for this reason, this imaginary scenario often became a theme for trash talking during sex (like: "would you like it if while I fuck you like this, you could also be sucking another dick?"), with her getting visibly more and more excited. She herself, some time later, introduced a dildo into our sexual games, so we could simulate double penetration and spitroast. Finally, we also started posting nude photos of her (or close-ups of her giving me a blowjob or being banged by me) on Reddit and other websites, then getting turned on together by reading the various comments and messages we received, and having sex while imagining involving other people.
We hypothesized about actually making our fantasies real by looking for another man in flesh and blood, but that never happened (also because we ended up breaking up due to the distance). Fact is that since then, these fantasies have never left me, and now I almost feel that if I don’t manage to find another aspiring "hotwife" (can we call her that?) to have a stable relationship with, I probably won’t even be able to have fully satisfying sex anymore.
Help! What can I do??
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