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The world is filled with apathetic sins committed by emotional monsters, such as myself. Yes, i call myself a monster. Not because of what I’ve done – or what i’m about to do after writing this confession – but because i’m not sure i can stop the motion I’ve created. It’s insane how a thrown snowball can turn into an avalanche if you’re not careful, and i wish i hadn’t thrown mine all these years ago… But perhaps, the term “Monster” should be coined to use by the ones we’ve hurt. For now, you guys can call me Michael. In my desperation, i thought to confess my sin with honesty and truth. I won’t shy away from showing my own flaws and shortcomings, but instead, i shall highlight my mistakes to find out where everything went to shit. A self-reflection as well as a confession. And before you ask, no – I can’t tell my friends, a therapist and definitely not my family. The kind of sin i committed can’t be traced back to me underneath any circumstance. You’ll soon find out why. So, my dear strangers on the internet – I beg you to help me out. Perhaps my honest confession leads to helpful advice on how i could dig myself out of this hole i dug.
But before i confess, i need to provide you with context about my life.
About 5 years ago, my first ever girlfriend Liza broke up with me, because i cheated on her. Letting go of something you once loved was hard, and as a stupid 18 year old would, i made it my mission to never love again. I began working out, downloaded the apps – you know the ones – and began my conquest. Now, I should probably mention, that i was blessed with some good looks, and got myself into some good times. Sex was something that came really natural to me, especially with the mindset i developed towards woman. Well, it was part of why the sex was good… I’m incredibly blessed below the waistline too, and girls always mentioned it. Not to mention my incredibly fat balls, who recharge me in seed in no time. Being the guy who fucks good was an intoxicating feeling. Having girls basically calling you on the daily, addicted to your cock, wanting to visit your door, knocking on the door to your dorm desperately, wearing nothing but a shirt and panties… Nothing beats that feeling. So i fucked. Everyday. I fucked classmates in my college, i fucked practically every girl i matched with, i eventually even fucked my neighbour and a teacher. Live was great, living nut to nut. I’ve had so much sex i had to deny myself of it. Some days i fucked the girl i woke up next to, before driving to my part time job, where i fucked my coworker in my car before work, then fucked her again in the middle of the shift, then drove to another girls apartment during lunch to fuck her brain out too, went to college in the afternoon, where if fuck a girl on the toilet during breaks, before finishing the evening with some other slut, going round for round again. Sex was my life – and i loved it.
About 4 years ago, i moved out of my dorm with my then full-time girlfriend, Abby, and my libido died down. Having sex with a single girl was… taxing. Excitement was a big part of my desire, and with Abby, a full-time student, who admittedly looked great, i just felt something missing in my life. Despite that, i did really think Abby changed me for the better. She was kind, trie to keep up with my high sexdrive, and let me do things to her other woman wouldn’t. Her body was great, amazing even… and she did let a lot of my bullshit slide. She loved me. And i… i think i loved her a little to. So, after trying to be a loving boyfriend for a few months, i slipped back into my lifestyle of a fuck-boy. I cheated. Again. And again. I probably fucked more girls dating Abby then before her. Cheating stimulated the itch of excitement i was missing, and i loved it. I admit it, i loved it. Some days i came back, the stench of another girls pussy still lingering on my cock, just to have Abby lick it off of me. “You taste so good…”, she would tell me, watching my giggle, before fucking her throat even harder. Some days lingery would lie in our bedroom, and i made up some bullshit story of how it was hers all along. I found myself… excited to cheat. To ride this thin line of secrecy. Abby knew. I’m sure she did. She tolerated it anyway – pretending i wasn’t doing it. That was the hottest part – Having someone fight for love while you were actively destroying it behind their back.
So, one day i decided to break the secrecy. I knew when Abby came home from her lectures, and she knew i was cheating while she was there. But – I didn’t care anymore. I had a girl over – Abby’s best friend – and i really wanted Abby to know. So i send her a pic – One of her best friend sucking me off in our very own bed.
My excitement peaked, and i threw my phone away and kept fucking her friend, who’s name i already forgot while she was sucking me. Something inside of me wanted Abby to fight even further for me. To ignore the pic, or say something along the lines of “If you need this, we can work something out” I wanted her to beg. To wince. To prove how real her love was. Instead, when i grabbed my phone again – hours later – she simply responded: “yeah lets break up.” And that was that. That was my relationship with Abby, because she also didn’t return that day. She told another friend to get her stuff. Yes, i was a fucking asshole. That’s the point i’m trying to make. But it’s important for you to know what emotions i was feeling throughout these times. Abby left me, and i was devastated. There was a wound inside me, one i couldn’t stuff with another orgasm. I tried to fuck myself out of this rut, but my feelings became terrible to deal with. So, i stopped. I decided i need to stop living from one orgasm to the next. To be better. To find someone i could have a real relationship with. It would take time, but i knew i could do it. I knew i could become someone who wouldn’t fuck up a relationship with a girl as good as Abby. I wanted love. I wanted honesty. I had a lot of work to do…
2 years ago, i believed i wasn’t the same person anymore. I moved out of that apartment I’ve had with Abby, after meeting another girl – Claire – and moving in with her. I’ve left behind a life of emotionless sex, and fully committed to Claire, who – funnily enough – worked right here in this Café i’m writing this story in right now. I loved Claire, she was petite, timid and shy, but a real joy once she grew comfortable. I never cheated on her. I couldn’t. She was someone i had to protect from this side of mine. I did fuck it up in another way, you know? Instead of cheating, i held in my sexual frustrations. Claire was not the type of girl i could fuck roughly. She was so easily breakable. Not the type i could let loose on. Not the type who’s back i could break time and time again. Not the type who’s already waiting for me on her knees as i get back home. No. She was sweet. I held back, until i cried. My cock twitched in frustration, making me hard 24/7. I was pent up, and let it out on Claire in ways i regret to this day. I didn’t explain to her what was wrong – instead. I was the one who broke up. Perhaps, this time, the “Monster” couldn’t hurt another person i loved. I needed to be alone. There simply was no girl for me out there. No more falling in love.
Then, 1 year ago, cruel as the universe is, i met her. The girl that ruined everything. The girl that has caused more pain then i could ever imagine. The girl that would turn from snowball to avalanche. The girl that was even more cruel then me. The girl that i belonged with. You see, after breaking up with Claire, i moved back home, to my loving family and my younger brother Rudy, who then proceeded to introduce me to his girlfriend. Thats how i met Joseline.
And that’s where my sin began…
The first time i met Joseline Smith, my brain chemistry changed forever. I had just moved back to my parents house, about a train-ride from the big city, and my brother Rudy was about to turn from a teenager into a man – or in other words, he was about to have his eighteenth birthday. Personally, i was excited for this day. Having my brother finally be of age meant, that i could take him to bars and clubs, and we could drink our heart out together, instead of me sneaking beers to his room. Not that i didn’t enjoy that time, but the future with my brother was looking even more exciting then drunkenly watching movies on a laptop. I dreamed of running two-mans with my brother. Perhaps i could have been the one to introduce him to his future girlfriend? An older brother can dream, right? Turns out, my brother needed no help. On the evening of his birthday, the bell rung right as we were about to cut the cake. A cold shiver ran down my spine as it did. Everybody expected a friend, or a cousin, maybe even an uncle to bring over a late gift for Rudy’s eighteenth birthday. Somehow, i knew something terrible was about to happen that day. Rudy practically jumped out of his seat and ran to the door. We all stared into the hallway that lead to the entrance, wondering why Rudy was talking so excitedly to someone who’s voice we didn’t recognise – not to mention, a female voice. Rudy happily skipped back inside the living room, his smile wider then I’ve ever seen it before. “I’ve actually taken the liberty to invite a special guest tonight!“, he began, before our gazes wandered to the girl to his side, tilting her head, her green eyes immediately drawn to mine. At least, that’s how i remember it. She looked like a cold winter-breeze given shape. Her short hair swept away in playful strands dancing in the wind. Her eyes held the gentleness of spring leaves and the mischief of a secret yet to be told. A soft blush forever carved on her cheeks…
Art is given meaning by the watcher – and by god could i not stop watching her. Something about her… her gaze… My heart fluttered. She introduced herself as Joseline Smith, a girl who’s turned eighteen just a few weeks before Rudy has. Her voice matched the way she looked: A soft, warm sunlight that makes every word feel special. She spoke gently, like the sound of a quite morning with open windows and chirping birds. There was a playful spark inside each sentence – as if she wanted the listener to be constantly on edge. She sat next to him, but her body faced me instead. I could barely concentrate on eating the cake. Somehow, i felt her eyes staring through me, even when she talked to someone across the table. “…What about you, Michael?“, she suddenly asked, her eyes digging inside my skull. “…Huh?”, i responded, almost choking on my beer. “I was wondering where you go to college?” “St. Bernhards, in the city centre.” “Same as me then it seems…” “Oh?” My brother intercepted the conversation, but i was to lost inside her eyes to remember what he said. Jos kept looking at me for an intimate amount of time, before her gaze wandered elsewhere. That day, for a single moment, just for the fraction of a second – i felt a primal rush of excitement inside my soul. I swallowed it down before it took control. I knew things would get out of hand if it did. Jos wasn’t mine. She would never be. Stop feeling this way, is what i told myself. You barely met her once, you can’t be in love with your brothers sister. Admittedly… i did have some rather nasty thoughts that dinner. After a while of celebrating, our parents went to bed, and Rudy, Jos and me were alone. Our conversation moved to the couch, where our conversation turned to things we couldn’t discuss in front of our parents. My eyes admired how Jos was sitting on the couch – the way her shape bended and curved at just the perfect angles…
My brother cleared his throat each time my eyes traced their way back to her shape – but i couldn’t control it. It’s as if my head instinctively turned towards her as if it was newtons law of motion. Joseline was attractive. She… attracted me. There was an undeniable gravity pulling me towards her. The three of us talked for quite a bit. I told her about the degree i was trying to make, how i wanted to become a therapist. She was intrigued. Apparently she read quite a lot about human psychology. As it turns out, Joseline was a medical student, dancing ballet practically every evening as well as doing art projects on the side. She just recently moved into town with her mother after her father died. I could definitely tell Joseline worked out. Ballet even? Holy… Her body was defined by her training, a poem in physicality. Her whole form was a vessel of grace, designed to make the impossible look effortless. I wondered in what ways her body could bend… Rudy’s look signalled that my eyes were trailing of again. He proceeded to tell me how they met. Apparently, he met Joseline had started DM’ing him about a month ago. They met up and instantly clicked. A girl like jos and… him? Not to be insulting, but Rudy didn’t inherit the good looks like i did. He was obsessed with gaming and ate like shit. Now, i love him, and i want to see my brother happy. But it didn’t add up. The three of us drank some more, and my brother became a little sentimental. He kept talking about how happy he had been dating Joseline, and about how happy he was i returned back home. I hugged him tightly, and Joseline kissed his cheek, before her eyes darted back to me for just a glance. It was now about 23:00 and Rudy mentioned he didn’t feel tired at all. In reality, it was his first time getting drunk with me, and he wanted to linger in the moment. So, Rudy proposed we play a game. A game of truth or dare – a game that Jos actually gifted him that evening.
The way it worked was simple. You draw a card and choose a person. The card contained a question they had to answer truthfully, or a dare they had to fulfil. There is a Rudy began and chose his own girlfriend, before drawing a card. “So, Josy…”, he called her by that stupid nickname all the time. Just say Jos for god sake… “Truth or dare?” Joseline readjusted in her seat. I swear she only did so to make me watch her ass jiggle a little. She arched her back, facing her boyfriend. “You know i’m an honest girl, darling… Truth!” “Alright, but be honest, alright?” She nodded nonchalantly. “How many….”, he began, before choking up. He glared at the card. “Whats wrong? Can’t read?”, i ask jokingly. Jos shot me a glance and a smile. How humiliating to have your girlfriend smile when someone humiliates you. “No… it’s just. Josy, is this like an 18+ version? It didn’t say so on the Cover.” “Is that a problem? I though it was fitting as you’re turning Eighteen today. If you don’t like it i could return it…” “No…No… I’m sorry, lets play. How many… How many people have you kissed before?” I realised how awkward this question was for Rudy to ask. This isn’t something you want to know at any point about your partner. I should have been the adult – despite only being 3 years older then them – and stopped the game. But… curiosity was taking the better of me. Joseline’s fingers rubbed her chin, as her eyes gazed towards the ceiling. “About… seven?” Seven? Not that many, but to an eighteen year old? That’s a lot of saliva travelling through her lips. Rudy clearly wasn’t happy to know this information. Her head tilted back, so she could gaze to me. “Truth… or dare?”, she asked. Did her voice grow even softer? Or was she just tired? “I’m not a bitch. Dare!”, i answered. She drew a card from the deck. “How big is your cock“, she read. Her eyes entranced me. For a second, i forgot Rudy was there. “9 inches…“
I glanced at Jos. Her eyes lit up and she bit her lip playfully as she smiled. A natural reaction for a woman to have. Then, i moved to Rudy. His shoulders hung lose and his smile faded. If gazes could kill, i’d be pretty dead right now. Why is he mad? He’s got the same genes as me. “Is it really? Are you not just saying that?“, Jos asked, giggling to herself. “Jos… it’s not important. And i already answered the question. Was that really written?” She showed me the card, and there it stood, clear as day. “What a fucked up game…”, i shook my head, “You’re up, Rudy. Truth or Dare? Lets go to bed after this.” Rudy sighed. “Truth” I drew the last card. “So, Rudy… whats your favourite position?” “Oh that’s easy…”, his smile returned, as he turned to his girlfriend, “Can i say?” “Sure.” “Josy loves riding, so that’s my favourite!” She rolled her eyes. “I don’t love riding, it’s just the fastest way to make you cum…” “But i still love it, and you’re talented at it too!” I had to intervene before it got to uncomfortable. “Well, i’m sure you guys have loads to catch up on by your own, i’ll head to bed. Rudy, i love you and lets hit a pub soon.” “For sure! Sleep well, Michael!”, he responds. “And Joseline… it was nice to meet you, welcome to the family!” “Pleasure’s all mine…“, she whispered, her soft eyes lingering on me as i went upstairs, right to my room. I closed the door behind me and locked it shut, before taking a big breath. I hope they didn’t notice the massive bulge inside my pants when i stood up. Blood flow to my dick every time i gazed at her. Even more blood when she gazed back. God, i thought, Joseline is so fucking hot…
That night, the first snowball was thrown. The avelanche was soon to follow.
I kept thinking about Joseline. About her body. Her eyes. Her gaze. Her smile. Her lips. Her hair. Her long eyelashes. Her shape. The way her back arched. The way her but jiggled when she moved. About how she lit up when i told her about my size.
Fuck. I wanted her body so bad. But i couldn’t. I wanted her. I needed her. He didn’t deserve her. She wanted Me… Without missing a blink, i layed down in my bed, and took of my pants. My cock swung out, already knowing where this evening was headed. How long has it been since i’ve masturbated? Most times i just call a girl over… but none of them compared to my desire for Joseline. I wanted her to be the only thing i could think about. I wanted to drown in Jossline, to have her take over my life. I was obsessed. So fucking obsessed. My thoughts spiraled, as i stroked myself to how if would fuck her if i had the chance. Then, an idea struck me. Surely, she had socials? Fuck, i could really need some pics of her right now, i thought. Not long after, i found her account, as well as some rather nice pictures of her… My cock was out… my Ipad was charged… My cock was rocksolid… And an idea struck me. This Joseline didn’t deserve just for me to think about her. I needed to worship her.
I scrolled through her pictures until i found one a story-highlight where she looked particularly pretty. My precum had built up to the point where i didn’t even require lube anymore. I stroked it, fantasizing about painting this pretty face of hers in my sticky cum, until i couldn’t hold it in anymore. I ferally groaned, as rope after rope hit the screen of my Ipad, painting Joseline in transparent white, one rope at a time. I could almost feel her smile widen, as the last rope hit the screen.
I gazed at the beautiful woman, now covered in my seed, breathing heavily to myself – Before the timer on the story ran out.
Now, all i could see underneath my cumstained layer was a happy picture of Rudy and Joseline at the Christmas market.
And shame began to wash over me.
(Thank you for reading part 1 – let me know if i should continue!)