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My therapist told me it might be good to confess anonymously somewhere, so here I am. He said I’m a writer, so I should do what I do best. Tell a story. So here it is.
For background, I’m 29 years old. I’ll go by Megan. My boyfriend, let’s call him Jay, is 33. We’ve been together for four years. About a year ago, we hit a rut, emotionally and sexually. But we love each other, so we figured it was worth going to couple’s counseling.
We both learned to be honest and vulnerable. It brought us back together and things improved, for sure.
A lot was revealed, but two things are important for this story. First, I admitted to him that I’d never been very attracted to him. Of course this did not go over well, but I assured him this didn’t matter to me. When I met him I was through with my sluttier days of college and my early twenties. I was ready to find the guy I wanted to marry. Jay is sweet, kind, sensitive. Everything a girl could want in a long term partner. And sex isn’t everything. We all grow old, and what matters is the friendship. I really believe that, and our therapist really supported that.
Eventually Jay was convinced, and we worked on ways we could enjoy each other physically. I have to say, he got really good at giving me head. My friend Sarah likes to say it’s like winning the Mr. Hustle award. She likes to tease him to me like that. She’s always telling me I deserve better. But I’m just happy he found a way to give me pleasure. It’s part of his thoughtful, giving nature.
Of course there’s another side to the sensitive man. It can easily tip over into insecurity. That’s where the second important thing comes in. In one of our sessions, Jay broke down crying when talking about his high school years. Apparently his group of guy friends mistreated him. They made him feel like a mascot. They bullied him. He took it, not realizing what it was until after he graduated and went away for college.
I gave him a lot of hugs and stroked his back while he cried. This is what couples counseling is for. To be truly seen, flaws and all. Right?
And here’s where I start confessing. The truth is, I was repulsed by his story. He looked so weak when he told it. And the worst part is when he talked about his biggest tormentor: Dominic. As Jay told the story of the time Dominic pantsed him in front of several sorority girls I said, “What an asshole.” But my body told a different story. Why did hearing that make me wet? Wtf? I ignored it, and focused on trying to make Jay feel everything is okay.
And after a few months of therapy it was. Okay. Okay enough. I see that now, though at the time I thought everything was great. It’s easy to fool ourselves, you know?
As I’m sure you already guessed, that didn’t last. I blame Sarah. I mean it’s my fault I told her about the whole bully thing, and specially mentioned Dominic. And of course, as luck would have it, she met a guy named Dominic, and asked him if he went to school with Jay, and, well you can probably see where this is going.
But I’m telling this story for me, not you. So if you don’t want to hear about Sarah’s gathering, and the surprise guest she sprung on us, I guess that’s your loss.
Ugh. That wasn’t necessary. I always thought I was so sweet. It was my identity. I guess that’s what I’m confessing. To myself. I’m not a great person after all. And I might be okay with that.