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**[I just want to preface this by saying, this is edited for continuity and ease of reading over 10 years after the fact with therapy. Theres still some gaps in my memory I dont think I’ll ever actualy recover but nothing has been embelished or exagerated beyond prose.]**
July 2015:
*I woke up to take care of the normal parent stuff while the Bull; Mike (fake name), slept. The day progressed like any other, I stayed home with my kid, except the Now-Ex and Mike went out on errands, to hang with mutual friends of all of ours, and get their own dinner. When we layed down for the night thats when I was given my “presents”.*
*I got to watch them make out, her service him, and him fucking her hard enough I’m surprised she didn’t get knocked out from the impact against the headboard. When they were done I was let out and edged for about 15 minutes until I ended up with two ruined orgasms. I didn’t make note of what they said, only that she giggled while they laughed and joked about it the whole time. After that I went back into chastity and went to get them food from the kitchen.*
*Happy Birthday to me. That was what I wanted; thats the point after all, right? She still fucked me, even if she stayed on top and stopped every time I was about to cum.*
*I still can’t fully separate the sound of small group laughter from disdain.*
*On my actual birthday our mutual friend, Will (fake name) wasn’t able to come visit, but he made time the night after. The night started off casual and fun between the 4 of us. We played some music, did some drugs (thc, mdma, etc…), chilled in the hot tub for a while. It was friendly, honest fun. I still feel a little happy thinking of that specific moment in time before we got home.*
*Poly/cuckolding was new and I didn’t expect to be directly involved at all. I expected to play video games in the living room while hearing the sound of the Ex moaning and our headboard trying to break through our bedroom wall. That was enough for me, knowing everyone was having a good time. At first they wanted me fetching water and the various BDSM implements from downstairs for them. But when I got into the room and set up everything for them she brought out a dress, bra, and panties. I dont remember putting them on, only wearing them and kneeling down as Mike put a collar on me.*
*Mike took her to the bed and started tying her up. While this is going on Will took up his role for the evening (already a known top in the commuity) directing me to massage his back as he laid down. I think he could tell I was getting distracted by the sounds coming from my Ex, so he started running down a list of kinks with me. I think he was trying to clarify some limits on the fly. I’ve never been verbal in bed, vocal at most. But I dont think I hesitated answering him, and I dont think either of us considered I was already too far gone. Humiliation thrown between my answers didn’t help. “Are you hard from whats happening to her, the dress, the questions, or getting to touch me?”*
*I’ll never know if any of it was planned beforehand, but Mike and Will started talking, eventually deciding the wanted me kneeling. The had my ex move from the bed to on her knees with me, eventually unlocking me from the chastity cage. I thought the numbing creme they put on me afterward was a bit unnecessary. They kept talking until everyone learned I was atypically responsive to sensory deprivation. Blindfolded and my ears plugged, I didn’t hear any more talking. Only felt the footsteps around me. She was tasked with teasing me while the two of them went to smoke.*
*When they came back I was allowed to listen again. I’m not sure what the checked in with but they made sure I was numb. One of them decided while they were out that if I can still feel anything then a vibrator will do an effective job occupying me while the three of them have thier own fun. Its an absolute indiffrent edging and it’s been months since my last orgasm that wasn’t ruined in some fashion.*
*While I’m occupied they start on tying my her up, then the blindfold comes off. I remember when I moved, but when my eyes refocus I’m standing at the edge of the bed. Mike has the bright idea to fasion a leash connecting her to my still numb privates. Will carried her to a chair, the tether forcing me to kneel down between her legs. I was literal inches away but too numb and too far in subspace to realize the taunt. Mike and Will separated us, novelty of the tether wore off quickly, after they have things arranged for themselves. I’m directed off to the side while she gets her own little focused impact scene. Will showing off his experience there while Mike used the wand on her.*
*They spend a little while collecting what the might want before ushering us back to the bed. I kneel at the side of the bed like I’m told. My ex starts to blow Will. Enthusiastic would be an understatement but she kept checking to make sure I was watching. It gets to the point where they’re wanting her to tell them how much she wants them to fuck her. She’s doesn’t want to beg. The focus shifts to me, they knew I would, and I did.*
*Not convinced by how empty it is, Mike decided “my mouth would be put to better use” on him. Then the degredation begins again. All the little verbal jabs coming from both of them aimed at my ex. Insults for being married to someone like me. I can’t remember how long the let me go before stopping, only that she enjoyed being taken by both of them after.*
*It finally ends and everything starts to calm down. A lot of cuddling, coddling and support down to where everything has completely stopped. I had no idea but the whole thing had lasted about 8 hours, maybe more. The sun had been up for at least a few hours now. They started to head downstairs to chill and have breakfast, but I couldn’t do anything other than stay kneeling by the bed.*
*I eventually climbed up into the bed and layed there trying to process everything that had happened. I don’t know how long I was laying there, minutes maybe half an hour. Couldn’t say but eventually Mike came up and got in bed with me. He helped me rationalize most of it, let me try to talk through the emotions of the experience. I think they genuinely attempted some sort of aftercare, but it wasn’t enough to get me back to normal. Just enough to function.*
*After being put back in the cage I made it downstairs and I was an absolute wreck still. The level of mental, emotional and mild physical fatigue was one of the most intense thing I’ve ever experienced. So I spent the whole morning still trying to get my body and mind under control. But I couldn’t break free of the headspace Id fallen into.*
*After a few hours my she and Mike went back to the bedroom. Not long after, Will ask “hey, I want to go take another crack at your wife. Do you care?”. I dont think he would have cared if I’d have said “Lets not. I need to recover.”, but it he didn’t need to be told “go for it” a second time when thats what came out.*
*Then it was another instance of me trying to ignore the obvious and focus on the vanilla aspects of our life. All I could think to do was clean everything downstairs. I couldn’t stand the idea of not making myself useful. After I put the kid down for a nap they asked me in to watch round two. Another occasion where my ex took what seemed like every opportunity to lock eyes and give me that fake smile.*
That was it. No more aftercare. No more check ins. We never slept together again after that, in the same bed or otherwise. A week later she was gone. Oddly enough, Will showed more kindness to me in the following weeks than she did. I think he’s the only one I’d consider blameless in it all, ignorance of youth not withstanding.
It’s still painful to think about as an isolated incident. If I zoom out and look at where I’d be if we stayed together though, I dodged a bullet.
I asked Miss if she wanted to read over this before sharing. We’ve talked about it but she hasn’t read the first hand account from right after the fact. She asked if I had a reason in mind why I wanted to come back to this one, if she should be worried abut me in our current dynamic as its progressing. I reassured her that we’re good. I just wanted to make sure I had a good idea of where my feelings might be coming from as we progress. But most of all, I’m happy.
That’s the biggest difference, and the most obvious reason I could think of. I’m more than a little scared because I’ve heard this song in a different key. One where the players are miserable and jaded, the sheet music doesn’t match and the instruments are all out of tune. I know the difference between noise pretending to be a tune and real harmony.