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So this all starts back over three years ago when my gf (who works as a night nurse) and I first started dating. She had just finished with a slut past that she bragged about straight from the first night of us texting and I was just coming off a period of just staying single focusing on work/school. Not only did she brag about it, she also laughed at my lack of experience and would tell me of her exploits which included (but not limited to):
– Fucking a guy in a parking structure during her shift
– Fucking another guy in a bathroom
– Getting fucked so hard that her bed broke
– Giving it up on the first date numerous times
– Staying overnight for men she just met
The thing about most of her hookups was the fact that she didn’t even like most of them and told me she had no standards during the time when she slept around. Even people around her noticed that she jumped from guy to guy. Also one of her old hookups wanted to keep her as a side bitch if he got married and wanted us to be in an open relationship. While I immediately shut it down, she made excuses for him and said it was just a joke.
Meanwhile, the first time we got intimate, I had performance anxiety and ED which led to an embarrassing night. We tried again and I still couldn’t perform (but I still used my mouth and fingers). Basically, it took us a while to have sex but even then, my count is minimal while hers was close to 30 so my skill in bed wasn’t what she was used to.
After about a year of dating she stopped talking about her past but she’d still make remarks about my ED and lack of experience, and she also has a “take charge” attitude and basically controlled most of the relationship from the start.
However, she would drop off comments that people at work would flirt with her and try to make body contact. Not only that, late into our second year of dating, I found out that the old hookup who wanted her as a side bitch was still talking to her (she had told me she had blocked him) and when I confronted her, she tried to gaslight me in that it was no big deal and that I was being insecure, but cut him off for real this time. When I asked to see their convo, she had already deleted it. Even if they didn’t fuck, I still felt emotionally cheated on. Around that same time, I found out that she would secretly mock me about having ED and my performance in bed to quite a bit of people.
I know I should’ve left then and there. Not only that, this made my ED come back and I secretly took two Viagra pills when she wanted to have sex, but I still couldn’t get hard and that lead to a very silent car drive soon after. When I would get hard, I kept slipping out and I still have trouble staying in even recently.
However, I don’t know why exactly, but something secretly clicked and it was like my ED went away. For a while every time we got intimate, I would think back to her hoe phase and how she’d mock my ED and betrayed my trust by talking to the old hookup and I’d be able to stay hard all the way through. Unfortunately, this didn’t work permanently and my ED returned. Soon I began to notice that she would take much longer to finish her shifts. First it was an hour late, then it became as much as 3 hours.
After talking with some people on reddit about this entire situation throughout the span of several months, a lot of comforting individuals convinced me that it was okay to let go and accept the cuck thoughts I was feeling. Eventually, I told her it was okay to talk about her past and she jumped on the chance and told me further exploits.
Yes, I faced huge disrespect. Yes, she most likely cheated already. Yes, she’ll continue to do so and run the relationship. Even then, it was like something just told me to see how far this can go, which lead to this conversation almost two months ago.
We were in bed and after another disappointing night of sex, I told her that it was okay if she got it from somewhere else. She was a little taken aback and asked why, which I explained that after thinking about it for a long while, I understood that sex is something that is extremely important to her and that there are certain needs that she has that I can’t meet. We talked for a good hour, and then she laid out the ground rules:
– she wouldn’t tell me any details and be discreet as possible. Almost as if she has a pass to secretly cheat which I’m fine with.
– If I did stumble upon something, she’d play it off in a “don’t worry about this guy I’m talking to” kind of way
– None of our friends and family will know
– She’d only go to their places and never bring them to our apartment.
Since that conversation, we haven’t had sex and I feel immensely relieved on not having to perform or disappointing her anymore. On her end, she has been considerably kinder towards me and happier in general. We get along a lot better now, and ironically, she’s a lot more respectful and protective towards me these days.
I really want to thank those who helped me through these thoughts and help me fully become a cuck.