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Sorry for taking so long, I was a bit… surprised by the reactions to the last parts. It wasn’t my intention for Dawn to seem as… callous as apparently she was. I took the time to rewrite some of the chapters to maybe show how she isn’t really abusive towards Ben, rather they both love it and both complement each other’s needs.
In other words, having what I consider my perfect relationship be viewed so negatively make me realize I might not have expressed myself as well as I thought.
(This is especially important because later in the story, the relationship really does deteriorate and Dawn really does become more callous, so it’s important to me that the current loving relationship is viewed as such to contrast with what’s to come. Does that make sense?)
Part 10
They finally left the mountains and the trails, spending the last couple of days of Ben and Dawn’s travels in Sao Paulo. The night before Ben and Dawn’s flight, they all went together to a pub near their hostel for drinks and goodbyes. The air of the pub was thick with smoke and the scent of people, and neon signs flickered all around them. For Ben, the sounds of laughter, clinking glasses, and pulsing music was a strange kind of relief. The intimacy of the backpacking tent, where every sound was amplified, was over. Here, he could get lost in the noise. He was excited at the thought of his agony being nearly over, but he also felt a small pang of regret and loss. As much as the previous weeks had been hard on him, he knew he’d miss it once it was over.
He watched them from across the dimly lit table, his fingers idly playing with the label on his beer bottle. Their entire joint group were sitting together, drinking, all too aware they will part ways soon. Dawn and Amir were tucked against each other, making their corner a world of its own.
Ben took a long swallow of his drink, trying to hide the heat spreading through him at the sight. He was learning, slowly, just how much he enjoyed this kind of agony. He always considered this to be how he expressed his devotion, something he does for Dawn. A way to prove his love. But he was discovering that actually, this is something he also did for himself. He’d be disappointed if Dawn didn’t require his suffering to build her happiness. He laughed at himself. Framing it in such a dramatic way – “building her happiness on his suffering” – might sound a bit much, but it did help him cope. He needed the suffering, and he needed that suffering to have meaning. And really, she would never have had the opportunity to experience this whole, life-changing relationship without his sacrifice, so his framing wasn’t that wrong, was it? The thought he enabled Dawn and Amir’s relationship made him feel pride in himself.
God, he couldn’t wait to touch her again. But… he he didn’t want it to be over just yet.
In front of him, he could see Amir’s hand slid from Dawn’s waist to the curve of her hip. She didn’t flinch; she melted into the touch, a soft sigh escaping her lips.
“This feels good,” Amir murmured, his voice meant only for her. His fingers traced lazy circles through the thin fabric of her sundress.
“Mmm, it does,” Dawn agreed with a whisper. She leaned closer, her lips brushing his ear. “I’ve been thinking about your hands on me all day” she said just loud enough for Ben to hear, but soft enough that it would seem he wasn’t supposed to.
A bold thrill shot through Amir. His hand came up, cupping her breast lightly over her dress, the way a slightly drunk person might think is inconspicuous but is actually very clear to everyone around. Dawn’s breath hitched as she felt Amir’s hand touching her. She arched her back, pressing herself more firmly into his palm, pleading for more.
Ben watched Amir’s hand caressing his wife’s breast, the subtle movement clear even as Amir and Dawn thought they was being sneaky. A familiar tightness coiled in his groin. He shifted on his stool, his jeans feeling rough and confining. He was hard, painfully so, but he couldn’t let anyone else see even a hint of it. After all, what brother would be aroused by his sister‘s displays?
Dawn turned her face into Amir’s neck, kissing him lightly above his shoulder. The pub’s noise faded for them, the world narrowing to the secret thrill of their touch. She lifted her head, her eyes searching his. The confidence, the raw attraction in his gaze made her pulse jump.
“You know,” she said, her voice so low it was almost lost in the music, “I think I’ve fallen for you, Amir.”
The words took the air out of Ben’s chest, but he didn’t know whether it was from pain or excitement. He saw the way her expression softened, the way she looked at the other man with genuine affection.
Amir’s predatory gaze softened into something warmer, more surprised. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Dawn affirmed. She leaned her head against his shoulder. She then laced her fingers with his – the fingers that had just been on her breast – and brought their joined hands to her lips, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. “I really think I fallen in love with you.“
Amir smiled. “I love you too” he said, and softly move to give her a light kiss on the lips.
It was the final straw for Ben. The visual of it – their affection, her claimed love for another man, her submission to his touch – got his head spinning. He couldn’t sit there any longer or their cover would be blown. Muttering an excuse to the rest of the group, he slid off the stool and made his way through the crowd toward the restrooms. He needed a moment. He needed to breathe. He needed to rearrange his thoughts. He needed to deal with the relentless pressure building inside him. He needed to touch himself.
Dawn watched him go from the safety of Amir’s shoulder, a smile playing on her lips. Whether the smile was for Ben’s distress or Amir’s love, even she wasn’t sure. But either way, Ben’s acceptance of even this was her victory. She turned her face back to Amir, her eyes dark with promise, and kissed him deeply.
“Get us another round,” she whispered, nodding toward the bar. “And then… I want to get out of here. I want you all to myself.”
Amir didn’t need to be told twice. He pressed a quick kiss to her mouth, and slid out of the booth.
Alone for a moment, Dawn’s gaze drifted back toward the dark hallway where Ben had disappeared. Her heart hammered against her ribs. She felt full of power and lust. Even this. He’s giving her the gift of experiencing even this. Not just sex, but love as well. He truly will let her experience everything, while she’ll deny him from experiencing anything. She adjusted the strap of her dress, the memory of Amir’s hands still tingling on her skin.
Amir returned minutes later, two fresh bottles in his hands. He didn’t sit. “The hostel is just around the corner,” he said, his voice rough with anticipation. “I got us a private room. This is our last night together. I want us to do something special. Something we’ll remember forever.” He then whispered something in her ear and Dawn blushed, giving a small embarrassed nod.
Dawn took his offered hand, letting him pull her to her feet. She let him lead her through the pub, his arm a possessive band around her waist. As they passed, she glanced across the dark hallway that led to the restrooms.
And there he was. Ben. Standing just outside the men’s room door. His eyes were locked on them, wide and burning with a tortured and longing gaze she knew very well. She feared she might have pushed him too far, but then he blew her a silent kiss and she knew everything was going to be okay.
Dawn didn’t break her stride. With the confirmation that Ben could handle it, wanted to handle it, she returned all her attention to Amir. Ben held his gaze for several breathless second as Amir guided her toward the exit. He kept his eyes on her until she disappeared, waiting to see if she’d spare him just one more glance. She didn’t. All her attention was devoted to him, leaving her husband alone, all but forgotten, in the darkness.
She really is amazing he thought with a smile.
Part 11
Finally, Ben and Dawn made it back home. The trip back was stressful, international travel always was. They had no time for themselves. But as they closed the door of their apartment they let themselves relax. Their suitcases lay abandoned by the door, and will probably remain there for days, if not weeks. Ben watched Dawn move through the living room, her hips swaying with a new rhythm that wasn’t for him. It was a rhythm Amir had given her.
He discovered during the honeymoon how aroused sacrificing himself for her made him, and he loved Dawn for finding a use for his sacrifices. Seeing how important it was for her, how important Amir was for her, how important his sacrifice was for her… It filled him with a sense of accomplishment and pride. His own pain might be completely disregarded by Dawn, but it wasn’t meaningless to her. And now, finally, he was going to reap the fruits of his pain.
He’d been patient on the long flight, the memory of her leaving the Sao Paulo pub hot on his mind. But now, in the familiar confines of their own home, a desperate anticipation began to peak its head inside him. This was their space. Their rules. Their bed. Surely, here, things would return to how they were.
He approached her from behind as she unpacked a woven bag, slipping his arms around her waist, nuzzling the warm, fragrant skin of her neck. “I’ve missed you,” he murmured. “Really missed you.”
Dawn stilled, her hands pausing on a colorful shawl. She leaned back into him for a fraction of a second, a hint of concession, before gently extracting herself. She turned, a placating smile on her lips that didn’t reach her eyes. “I missed you too, Ben. It’s good to be home.”
He cupped her face, his thumb stroking her cheek. “Let me have you,” he breathed, “Just like we used to…” Although they never had sex, they did pretend. He’d lay on top of her, both wearing nothing but underwear, moving as if he was inside of her. Rubbing himself against her. He longed to feel her body against his again.
He leaned in to kiss her. She turned her head, his kiss landing on her cheek. “Ben, no. Not tonight.”
The rejection startled him. “Why?” he asked, pleading. “The trip is over. It’s just us again.”
“That’s exactly why,” she said, her tone morphing into something that sounded of sadness and loss. She traced the line of his jaw. “It’s too soon. I can’t just… switch back to you. Not after him. Not after what we…” She let the sentence drift away, her sadness an unintended tease.
His shoulders slumped. The excitement drained from him, leaving his lust with nowhere to go. He saw it then, the flicker in her eyes. She loved him. She loved Amir too. Most of all, she loved watching how he sacrifices his own needs and wants in order to help her experience everything her way. She loved how he gave her the power to decide on a whim what he would or would never experience. To kill his hopes and dreams, resurrect them, and kill them again just to see if he’d let her.
And he did let her, every time. But now, now it was supposed to be over. He felt so horny, his feelings pent up for more than a month, that he was afraid he was going to break.
He sank onto the edge of their bed, the fight gone out of him. He dropped his head into his hands. “I just need something, Dawn. Anything. I feel like I’m going to fall apart.”
She watched him for a long moment. He looked like he was going to cry, and that’s something she wouldn’t allow. She sighed, a theatrical sound so he’d know she was relenting. “Okay,” she whispered. “Okay, fine. But only because I love you so much.”
She came to him, standing between his knees. She took his left hand and placed it on her right breast, above her shirt, exactly where Amir was drunkenly groping her that last night at the Sao Paulo pub. “You can touch me here.”
A pathetic spark of gratitude flared in his chest. He cupped the soft breast, feeling it for the first time since they left for their honeymoon. He didn’t move, didn’t dare to, afraid he might overstep some invisible bound and lose what little privilege he was afforded. He groaned, his eyes closing, his head falling backwards towards the pillow as he shivered in ecstasy from this simple touch.
“But that’s all,” she whispered, her fingers threading through his hair, not in passion, but in love. “You have to do the rest yourself.”
His eyes remained closed, his right hand freeing his erection from his travel pants. He could feel her eyes looking at him. Not with lust, but with care. Hoping he could make due with what little she could give him right now. Amir got to experience her like Ben always wanted. He got to enter inside of her over and over, everyday for weeks, while he, her husband who has been with her since she was 15, was still only imagining how it might feel.
“Tell me about Amir,” he begged, the words torn from him. “Please. I need to know. He said you’d do something special together that last night, tell me about that.”
Her expression shuttered closed. “No. I won’t talk about him with you, or with anyone. That’s mine.” Her refusal was absolute, and she wasn’t going to budge on it.
He could feel her pity as she watched him touching himself. The humiliation hit him in a hot wave. But again he found it came with an intense arousal. She gets to experience everything. Including other loves. Including intimate secrets. While he gets to experience nothing. He wanted more of that.
“You know,” he said, “after you both left, I stayed for a while with the rest of the group. They asked me about my wife waiting for me at home, how excited I was to finally get to see her again. We were all drunk, and they did get to tease me about how I’ll ravage my wife when I return, and whether I think she really waited for me for so long without finding anything on the side. It was so funny, how they could be so wrong and so right at the same time. I don’t know, I liked it,” he ended lamely.
“Look at me,” Dawn commanded softly.
He forced his eyes to open. She was watching him touch himself, her lips slightly parted, her eyes dark with some unreadable emotion. Was it disgust? Amusement? Arousal? All he knew was that this was something else she wished to experience.
He continues to stroke himself, his grip tight, his movements frantic. All the while, his left hand touched her breast, feeling the perfect softness. It was a poor substitute for the intimacy he was missing.
“That’s it,” she breathed, her voice taunt. Her own hand came up to cover his, pressing his palm harder against her breast. “You can imagine it, can’t you? You can imagine what it’s like to be inside me? But it’s nothing like you imagine. I’ve asked everyone I ever slept with, including Amir, and they all agreed. Having sex is so different, so much better than they imagined it would be when they were virgins. And you’ll never know how it feels. What they felt every time they entered me. It’s never going to be you.”
Her words were like a whip, and he shuddered, a loud moan escaping him. He exploded all over himself, laying in bed with all his travel cloths still on.
“I love you,” he choked out, a final, broken prayer.
Dawn smiled then, a real smile, brilliant and terrifying. She leaned down, her breath warm against his ear. “I know.”
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