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Okay I need to get this out because I can’t tell my friends irl they’ll judge me so hard lol. Using throwaway for obvious reasons. I’m 19, studying at one of the unis here (not saying which), and I’ve been with my bf J (20) for almost 2 years now. We started in JC, survived A levels together, whole nine yards. He’s my first serious bf and I’m his first too. So lately J has been watching… a lot of cuck porn I guess? He left his phone unlocked once and I saw his search history. At first I was like ??? Why you watching other guys bang their gfs? But he explained it’s a fantasy thing, like he gets off on the idea of me being “taken” or whatever while he watches. I thought it was weird but also… kind of flattering? Like he trusts me enough to even suggest this. We talked about it for MONTHS on WhatsApp, late night voice notes when both our families asleep. Rules, boundaries, what if someone catches feelings, etc. The biggest problem: WHERE? We both stay with parents, no privacy at all. Hotels in SG are expensive af for students. Eventually his friend K offered his place – he’s in NS, stays in camp most weekdays, has a whole HDB unit to himself on weekends (parents divorced, dad working overseas).
K is 21, fit from army training, honestly quite good looking la but I never thought of him that way because he’s J’s friend since primary school.
Last Saturday was the night. I was shaking putting on my makeup at K’s toilet. J sat on the bed looking nervous but excited, kept checking his phone. When K came out of the shower wearing just shorts… alamak the tension was insane.
J gave me this look like “you sure?” and I just nodded. I was scared but also my heart was racing in a good way? K started slow – just touching my face, my neck, asking if I was okay every 5 seconds which was actually sweet. J watched from the chair by the desk. At first I kept looking at J to check if he’s okay, but K turned my face back to him and said “look at me, not him” and something about that made me actually wet??
The first kiss felt like cheating even though J was right there. K kisses different – harder, more confident I guess? He pushed me back onto the bed and J could see everything. I was wearing this dress from H&M and K pulled it up over my head, left me in just my bra and underwear. When K went down on me I actually forgot J was in the room for like a full minute. The way K used his tongue was completely different rhythm from what I’m used to with J. I was gripping the bedsheets and making sounds I didn’t know I could make – embarrassing sia but couldn’t help it. I looked over at one point and J had his hand in his pants. Seeing him touch himself while watching me… it made me feel powerful but also shy at the same time? Like I’m performing but also just… being enjoyed?
The actual sex was intense. K was bigger than J, I could feel the difference immediately. The stretch burned a bit at first. He went slow, kept asking “still okay?” in this low voice. J watched us change positions twice, first me on top (so awkward I kept losing balance lol), then K behind me holding my hips. I came when K was going hard and reached around to touch me at the same time. I’ve never orgasmed during actual sex before, only from oral, so that was… wow. My legs were literally shaking after. K finished on my stomach (we agreed no condom for oral but condom for sex, but he pulled out anyway to be safe). The whole thing lasted maybe 40 minutes but felt like forever and also no time at all.
After, K showered again and left us alone. J and I didn’t speak for like 10 minutes. I was terrified he would cry or be angry or regret it. But then he hugged me so tight and said “you were so beautiful” and we ended up having sex too while I was still sensitive from before and it was the most intense sex of my life. Now it’s Monday and I keep thinking about it during lecture. K texted me “no regrets, hope you’re okay” and I replied “all good” but now I don’t know how to act around him if we all hang out again. J wants to do it again but with someone else, maybe a stranger from an app instead of his friend.
Is this normal? Did I mess up by enjoying it so much? I love J but now I’m confused about my own feelings. Also scared K will tell people even though he promised not to.
Someone tell me I’m not crazy lol.
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