As to my nature, I’m quite a asocial guy, rather seeking solitude than company. Part of that finds its cause in that I’m genuinely introverted, another part in that during my childhood and most of my adolescence I was socially inept. This made it so I wasn’t really a participator in social happenings, but passively absorbed them when they occurred around me. Instead of experiencing things that a kid/adolescent normally undergo, I listened to or watched others experience them.
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Where I wasn’t interested in girls at all as a kid, girls became the object of my attention and later desire as soon as I hit puberty. I didn’t know what suddenly made me interested in girls. At around the same time I got sex ed and learned what it might be, but still I was oblivious to the fact that the things I learned in school actually took place in real life as well.
For the longest time I saw girls as these innocent, pure creatures. Yes, there were whores that talked about and desired sex, but that was America, or just the extreme exception. I’m not sure why I thought that. Maybe it was indeed some form of narcissism, because I had crushes on some of them, and I in my idealism couldn’t conceive that these angels could possibly do these nasty things, especially to boys that weren’t me.
But I came to experience that what I thought wasn’t the case at all. Being sexual was the rule rather than the exception. The girls I thought were innocent would talk about sex all the time when they hit puberty, and in a objectifying way. This shocked me at first. I was angry because not only were they being nasty, they were being nasty with others guys. The shock manifested itself first in disgust towards girls. How dare they betray my ideal? How dare they betray me? Why? (I want to note that I think it unlikely that these feelings have some religious origin. I was sort of raised catholic, but never really valued the belief and was always, even from a young age, sceptical of the existence of God. Maybe the sexually suppressing beliefs manifested subconsciously? It’s possible, but I doubt it.)
I discovered masturbation and had my first orgasm while exploring my body in my bedroom. Not much later I discovered porn and incorporated it into my developing masturbatory habits. Interestingly enough watching porn regularly caused my disgust to transform in desire. The sexual aspect within girls that first disgusted me, I now desired. You could argue that I went from one objectification to another, from pure angel, to sexual demon, and you would’t be totally wrong. In any case, I started to sexually desire girls.
Puberty came earlier to me than to other boys, to my advantage. I was naturally taller than my classmates and now I would also grow even bigger, this not only in height. I remember putting on my PE uniform and my bulge showing visibly more than the other boys, becoming a point of attention to both the boys and girls in my class. There was one girl specifically that admitted to have a crush on me and compared my junk to a snake. So why did I become a cuck instead of a sexually successful guy? If not a player?
Because my advantage in size didn’t change the fact that among other things I was socially incapable. I also wasn’t used to the different way girls seemed to talk. Talking to guys always seemed to have a specific purpose, some teleology, in contrast to girls, who seemed to blurt out whatever impuls that came to their mind. All of this culminated in my behaviour towards pretty girls that were flirting with me: stares and stutters. You can imagine awkward situations can arise from this, and they did. Some of them still are painful to reminisce. In the moment they were even more painfully awkward. So, to not dig myself into anymore graves, I would admire from afar.
Our school didn’t offer secondary education, so everyone had to change school. I went to the most prestigious school in my city, so naturally I had to miss many of my peers, though some of them coincidentally made it into the same class as I did. One of them was a girl who’s father was friends with mine, so we saw each other somewhat regularly, even though we weren’t that compatible as friends. But I hadn’t seen her during the whole of summer, and when I saw her again she almost was a different person. Puberty hit her harder than other girls; it made her African roots really come to fruition. Having become a real eye catcher, I also fell prey to her stunning looks. I think she must’ve caught me staring at her or something, I’m not sure. She nonetheless walked up to me while I was talking to a friend of mine, who happened to be black as well, and told me something among the lines of: “You think you can get this? You probably have a little dick anyway”, while giving a knowing look to my friend. In hindsight I’m quite positive it was a shittest to see if I could verbally dominate in the face of her powerplay to win her over (since she probably didn’t forget the jokes that were made about me the year before, so it would be strange that she’d make such a remark if not to provoke me). But that I didn’t know that back then; I was stunned at both what she said and her looks and kept silent until she walked away. My friend chuckled before we awkwardly continued to talk about whatever we were talking about before that interaction.
Maybe less important and a little more controversial to my cuck beginnings: I presume this is partly where my ideas about physical African superiority started to develop implicitly. Even though I was, and stil am often more naturally attracted to white women, this girl was undeniably far fitter in aesthetic sense than any other girl in that school. The only thing holding her back to get all the attention was the prejudice our school culture brought, being elitist and overwhelmingly white, and not even, because she still got the mayor’s son for a while, albeit in secret, and only to be dumped for a neat white girl when prom finally came around. The white girls didn’t have to fear her for competition, but the guys they were with looked at her when she passed by. It was terrible to see her frustration develop over the years, but still she conducted herself nonetheless confidently and with a smile admirably.
This was also my observation with the guys. I could see how they carried themselves with unmovable confidence in spite of being the minority and being socially disadvantaged, that being their only impediment. I could not help to be but in awe of their manners. I would’ve been in awe of their physique as well had I not discarded the thought of black guys having better bodies than guys of other races, since I only saw that in porn and porn wasn’t real. But this changed when I saw it with my own eyes.
There was some big activity where all the classes of the year went to do some surfing activity. All the guys had to change in one locker room. Guys usually make it a sport to spot scout for dicks to not feel inadequate about their own. But this is usually a mistake, since we discover we are painfully average or small, and we want to be BIG. This wasn’t the case with me, or so I thought, since not that long ago my junk was the attraction. Not anymore. There was a white guy turned around in shyness whose dick was still visible hanging down his leg looking from behind. It was his dick that grabbed all the attention. Then there were five black guys who were all just awe-imposing. Not because of their dick, although for two of them that was part of it. It was the whole thing; their bodies were toned like those of athletes. When we asked about their diet, how they maintain such bodies, they answered that they don’t really do anything special, and don’t abstain from fastfood like one would recommend. If that wasn’t jaw-dropping enough, two of them had dicks any man would envy having when being close to that when erect; but they weren’t. The other three didn’t have any apparent impressive packages, of one you could say he was even small. But one thing that stayed constant with all of them was their confidence and will to dominate. It was their existence that grabbed our attention.
First I tried to rationalise their superior physique and conduct as a coincidence. That didn’t help with my insecurity. Also a strange phenomenon was to be observed: all the white guys stayed dead silent about what they saw, except with the big dick white guy, as if the girls wouldn’t know if they kept shut about it. But the girls didn’t need to hear that the black guys trumped them, they saw it, as did the white guys with the black girl. The popular girls never dated the black guys publicly, because of fear of prejudice, but often you could hear them mention BBC, especially when one was suspected to have hooked up with one of the black boys.
But even though the race thing might help explain the interracial, bicurious and humiliation aspect, it doesn’t help with the core of my cuckoldry.
As I was socially awkward and my skills were only limited to strange staring or artificial, unnatural small talk, I passed by on every opportunity to get a girlfriend, even though there were several girls from when I was 12 to 18 that on several occasions showed their interest, that I also reciprocated. I just didn’t know how to convert superficial talk into sexually oriented conversation. So instead, the girls I liked started to talk to other guys.
The only real life sexual experiences I had were passive. Since my initial disgust for female transformed into desire, anytime a girl would merely talk about something sexual I would be turned on. Especially when they would talk about size, who had the biggest dick in our class… My initial disgust towards female sexuality was rooted in the disgust of my denial of longing to be adequate, despite being inadequate, that I wasn’t desirable but wanted to be, and since that female sexuality became desirable, by association my inadequacy longing to be adequate became desirable too. When they talked about bigger being better, I became insecure, because I felt inadequate, but I became turned on for the very same reason. They were talking about dicks of 20cm and more, I was only 17cm on a good day, but wanted to be 20cm and more. They were talking about confidence, I was only shy but wanted to be confident. They were talking about muscles, but I was quite skinny but wanted to be muscular. I felt inadequate longing to be adequate, I got turned on.
This resulted in a real paradox, since I would get turned on by feeling inadequate longing to be adequate, but the only way to get a girlfriend was not to long to be adequate but to be adequate. For a long time it was sexually satisfying enough to be just inadequate longing to be adequate. After a while I became frustrated to never have had a girlfriend, and overall just curious to lose my virginity, so I worked on my social skills and faked a more dominant attitude to get the deed done.
So when I finally did at 20 years old, it was a disappointment. It felt nice, but I can’t say it was pleasurable. I took more pleasure in eating her out than to get sucked off or to penetrate her; that was the only thing that made me feel inadequate longing to be adequate. Needless to say I didn’t orgasm. You could say part of that was because I was so used to my hand and its grip for 8 years that pussy didn’t feel as nice as it should have felt. Maybe. But her pussy was tight, and she had a lot of experience before me. She was skilled in bed and knew what she was doing. I just wasn’t really… turned on.
I’ve really tried to like regular sex. But I just can’t. Denying that I’m a cuck would result in lifelong sexual dissatisfaction. I have come to terms with the fact that I am a cuck, that I need to feel inadequate, longing to be adequate. My cuckoldry is based in the longing to feel adequate (namely; very hung, muscular, strong, deep voice, tall, dominant, hyper confident) but since adequacy is here based on unchangeable characteristics, and so I never can be adequate, the only way I can experience that adequacy is by watching the one I desire experiencing the adequacy, or more extreme, by experiencing it myself.
I could expand on the interracial aspect, but that’s a story for another day.
This is a lonely sexuality. I’m not sure a woman could love me if she genuinely thought I was inadequate. I’m not interested in men without women, since adequacy is in my case defined by women. Nevertheless I am in search of someone who understands me and can fulfil my desire. I’ll let you know when I find her.
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