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I’ve been posting about my relationship with my husband for most of a year, how hard it’s been to reignite a sex life after letting it lapse when we were raising small kids and budding careers, how his porn addiction has made it even harder, how I’ve been exploring sex with other people, and how over the last month or two I’ve been trying to reassess what I really want out of the hotwife/cuckold lifestyle. Sometimes it’s drawn me and him closer, but sometimes it’s just made it clear how far apart we really are. I realized that I was essentially rewarding him for only getting off to porn by becoming his personal porn star and that I wasn’t making him do any of the work to reconnect with me. So as much fun as I was having fucking strangers, the arrangement wasn’t doing what I wanted it to.
So I realized that I need to do it for me. I need a sex life. Now that the kids are grown and my career is established, I have time, energy, and a sex drive that needs tending to. If my husband can’t do the work then he also doesn’t get to reap the rewards, at least not yet. We talked and agreed that until he makes some progress in quitting porn I will not tell him any details about what I do and with whom. I will tell him if I get a positive result on an STI test, which I’ve been taking every three months since we started this journey because we do on very rare occasions still have sex, and I will tell him if I’ve had unprotected sex in a way that is likely to transmit an illness, but that’s it.
This weekend I took myself for a two night solo trip across the state to an airbnb on the coast. It was a long drive, but it was nice to have some time alone to let my mind wander. I checked in, put my stuff down, and went for a walk on the beach. I went to the grocery store, went back to the house, made myself some food, and read a book. Then I went into town and found a dive bar to sit at and nurse a couple of ciders.
The bartender was sweet. She was about my age. Pretty, soft hips, loud laugh. I wasn’t sure if she was flirting with me but she asked a lot of questions about what I was doing there and I was honest about needing some space from my husband for a couple of days without telling her any of the details. She asked me how long I was going to be there and when I paid my tab she said that she hoped to see me the next night.
I went back the next night and her face lit up when she saw me. I know I blushed, and I know it was obvious because I blush with my whole body. Not much happened between us. She invited me to hit her weed vape on her break and we kissed a little bit in the parking lot. I felt more free than I had in a long time. It didn’t feel like I needed to preform for him, to make something wild happen. I got to have a few nice moments with a stranger and leave it at that. She told me to be in touch the next time I’m around, but I’d never been to that particular spot before and I don’t have any reason to think I’ll be back there again.
I’ll admit it was kind of fun to watch my husband squirm when I got home. I stuck with our agreement and told him he had no reason to be worried about STIs and that was all the information I gave him. Let his imagination run wild, I don’t care. Maybe I care a little. I don’t know. I hope he gets better. But I also think the last year has shown me that I need something different from what he’s able to give me. I’d love to share that with him, but only when it’s something that’s serving both of us.
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