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When we reopened the relationship we were hesitant at first. Previous attempts had left me hurt and confused. My expectations of an open relationship didn’t match reality in the slightest. While my girlfriend got thousands of likes and messages on every single dating app, I could count myself lucky if I got one like a month and those matches rarely texted back. Hence why my girlfriend had been on dates weekly for the first months while I was stuck at home. After many weeks of many dates (and many nights of me alone) she eventually calmed down a little and started to have a regular roster of several men who she’d focus her energy on. But that’s when the real problems started. One guy started having feelings, one guy got her so horny that she didn’t check if he was wearing condoms… Some rules were broken and when she eventually confessed to me after she kept it a secret for weeks, my first instinct was to ask to close the relationship. She was clearly disappointed at first but after a heartfelt conversation and tears we reluctantly agreed under the condition that we’d take couple therapy.
Half a year had passed since then and with a really good therapist who a past lover of her’s recommended to us and many conversations we were ready to open the relationship again. Well, her side. In therapy we realized that what hurt me the most was the mismatch of expectations. I expected to get dates with women and got none. So this time I wouldn’t even bother to create a dating profile. That was the best way to not get disappointed. That was a big theme of our therapy: don’t set yourself up with expectations that will inevitably hurt yourself. Another thing we learned was that the rules we had set up were made to fail. Things do get heated in the moment. Intimacy is something fluid and will always find its way around those rules. So this time there would be no rules for my girlfriend so they couldn’t be broken and I wouldn’t be hurt. First I was hesitant but my girlfriend and our therapist explained this to me in detail and with time and many sessions I came to see how this would be best for our relationship.
Our therapist advised us not to reopen the relationship too fast again. He recommended small exercises that would help me unlearn patriarchal conditioning and stop expecting the impossible from my girlfriend. So as a first step, she was going to meet with an earlier lover—the one who had started developing feelings for her. During our first attempt I had vetoed him after I learned about his feelings, fearing he might try to get her to develop feelings too and steal her from me but this time I had to give up any veto rights for our relationship to work. Our therapist had convinced me that a veto would only do the opposite of what I was trying to achieve—as humans always want what they can’t have. The more healthy way would be to trust my girlfriend and let her choose if she wanted to continue to meet him. Trust had to be something unconditional and not tied to my fears or how something looked. Also, my girlfriend’s feelings were in her own head and I shouldn’t try to control her thoughts. In a healthy relationship the only thing that should matter to me should be her feelings about me. If I tried to control her thoughts and emotions beyond that I’d be exhibiting toxic masculinity and would actually push her away from me. It took me a while to get that bit, but after many conversations and therapy sessions it finally clicked.
So she chose to go on a date with him again. About why she picked him in particular she explained to me that especially because he presented such a risk factor in my head it had to be him. If I couldn’t trust her with him, how would I be able to trust her with anyone? Additionally I wasn’t the only one working on myself. Her journey was a different one. She and our therapist figured out that what was necessary for her was to free herself from patriarchal conditioning of self-abstention of her desires and emotions. “Society teaches women to not act on impulses or desires, especially in a relationship,” our therapist explained. “The idea that once we fall in love with one person we can’t desire or feel for another person is deeply rooted in religious indoctrination and goes against our very nature as humans. Why else do we see so many divorces and cheating in monogamous marriages?” For her meeting with the man I had previously vetoed, he personified everything she had to unlearn. Apparently he also fucked her way better than me and most other men she had dated. He symbolized all my fears and all of her guilt. That’s why she and our therapist proposed him as her first date.
“He just fucks me so much better. So primal. It would be such a waste of an amazing cock. In the end he’s also a great friend and I just enjoy his company,” she explained her thoughts again before she left our flat. I noticed she had spent an exceptionally long time getting ready, shaving herself completely and picking the most expensive lingerie set and fanciest dress—something she’d only do on very rare occasions like birthdays or anniversaries for me but she also seemed happier, giddier. Randomly kissing me while getting ready and dancing naked in our living room the night before. Her excitement was captivating and I felt like in the beginning of our relationship when our hormones were keeping us horny like loose little rabbits. Our therapist described it as New Relationship Energy or NRE and referenced a bunch of recent breakthrough studies that had found out that NRE had tremendous health benefits. Stress reduction, hormonal health, longevity… Apparently those studies even found that if only one partner in a relationship was experiencing NRE the other partner would experience a significant portion of the health benefits. I definitely felt very electrified and horny when I was sitting at home waiting for her to come back from her date.
I fully thought she would come home later that night but I never heard the keys to our door. In the morning I texted her where she was and when I could expect her home today but I must have fallen into old patterns and overstepped her boundaries because I got an unexpected reply: “Oh honey, you should know by now that expectations are toxic and will only hurt us both. I was originally planning to come back later today but maybe we need to continue this exercise like our therapist suggested. Try to not expect anything. I’ll come back when I’ll come back, yes? This will help you be a better boyfriend in the future. I’ll also turn my phone off—it will help you stop expecting me to answer you at any time. Love you, byeeee” and with that she went offline. Even my “…okay my love” only got one checkmark on WhatsApp.
The remaining day was hard. I was distracting myself with movies, housework, and also furiously masturbated to the thought of her having a lot of fun. It was pleasure and torture and it took me a while to fall asleep alone the second night in a row. Over and over I tried to think about the lessons I had learned in therapy—about jealousy, about trust—but it was clear that I had made less progress than I had thought and kept falling back into old patterns. I still had a lot of work ahead of me. The next day was Monday and we had our therapy session and for the first time I sat alone in the office. I had never met our therapist alone. In the beginning my girlfriend had a lot of sessions alone with him when I was busy with work but this was a new situation for me. I told him about what happened but he didn’t seem surprised. “It was something your girlfriend and I have discussed as a possible exercise if you relapsed into your old controlling patterns,” he explained. “When you wrote her yesterday morning she informed me and we decided together that this was the best way forward. For today’s session I want you to write down all the things you are worried about her doing so we can work on you unlearning those fears.”
I finally understood my girlfriend’s behavior and was somewhat relieved that what she was doing was apparently a professional therapy method. I took the pen and paper that were laying in front of me on the table and thought long and hard about all my worries. But I noticed that I had overestimated my fears. My initial thought was to write down “having sex unprotected” but in many sessions my girlfriend had explained to me that actually all her lovers were tested and she was on birth control. So the only reason I would be uncomfortable with that was some irrational sense of toxic ownership. I took a long breath, let that fear go and accepted that if she did go bareback with her date right now it would be alright. I also remembered that I had masturbated yesterday night about the very thought of her getting creampied and something turned around in my head. Now I almost wanted her to go bareback. I moved on to another worry of mine: “catching feelings” but similar to creampies we had talked a lot about this topic. I understood that she was emotionally intelligent enough to feel for more than one person. Her love wasn’t finite and trying to keep it all for myself was as irrational as trying to keep the air for myself. Another deep breath and the thought about her catching feelings slowly turned into something that made me happy.
Finally I settled on “leaving me” and handed the paper to our therapist. He smiled. “You have successfully mastered this exercise. You have learned to let go of your patriarchal ownership complex and instead focused on the only thing that matters, your bond with your girlfriend. I’m sure she will not leave you—she loves you and if you continue to focus on your emotional growth and support her on her own journey you two will surely stay together and be happy.” I was ecstatic. We continued to talk about my work life, current emotions I was having and how to handle them. Before I knew it the session was over and I was on my way home. When I arrived my girlfriend was there too. I was ecstatic because I had fully expected her to stay a few more days. “See?” She told me with a huge grin on her face. “Wasn’t it so much better when you didn’t have expectations?” I just nodded and hugged her tightly. I could smell the sweat of another man on her but at that point I didn’t mind. She whispered into my ear, “Our therapist texted me with our next exercise… are you ready?”
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