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I’ve been having sex outside my marriage for a bout seven or eight months now. He’s not into sex anymore because of a porn addiction that’s totally warped his mind, so we worked out a system where I can fuck other people when I’m traveling, usually for work, and I’ll send him material to to stroke it to from my encounters. So far it’s mostly worked for everyone. He’s even been in the room a couple of times, and it’s gone well.
I went on a kind of last minute trip to give a talk this weekend, and since I hadn’t gotten laid in about a month I was psyched to scroll the apps on my way and flirt with a couple of people and see who was open to being part of my husband and my arrangement. I got a couple of bites, including one gorgeous woman a few years younger than me who ended up deciding that the part where my husband would see evidence was too weird, and one really hot guy whose profile said he was 28 and was very very into preforming for a camera.
So that’s who I met up with last night. We went out for drinks and desserts and then back to my hotel and the whole time I was thinking that he was just so sincere. Not that he wasn’t fun or funny, but there was something so earnest about him that was hitting a cord deep inside of me that I couldn’t identify.
And that’s how he fucked, too. He was fun and sexy but something in his eyes was so bare and open and determined to engage with me, this older woman who was just using him for his (very hunky) body and to salvage some semblance of a sexual connection with her husband. I couldn’t take it anymore. He was moving deep inside my body and looking deep into my eyes and kissing me deep in my mouth and I started crying. I realized that he reminded me a little of my husband when we were in our 20s and why I fell in love with him. I let myself cry.
This poor boy had no idea what to do. He stopped mid stroke and brushed my hair off my face and tears off my cheek and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was great. He asked if I wanted to stop. I said no, please don’t stop. I told him I was just feeling overwhelmed and I wanted him to keep going. He said okay in a very earnest way and fucked me deep and steady.
I was still crying when I came, and it was one of the most powerful orgasms I’ve had in a long time. My whole body was shaking and I must have sounded like an animal with the wail I let out. He had to hold me very closely to get my body to stop shaking while he kept moving inside of me. I pulled him closer into me and locked my ankles behind him so that he had to keep his torso on mine and a minute later he came, too, still inside of me.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot and my husband and I have done a lot of talking. He said that he came while he was watching us and then cried afterwards. It really brought to the surface some of the deeper wounds and regrets in our relationship, and I know I want more out of this situation than just getting some casual sex and being his personal porn star. My husband said that he’s going to try to get treatment for his porn addiction and rebuild our sex life but nothing has changed so far. Maybe I need a regular bull, or even a boyfriend. Maybe I need to explore kink. Some days I just want someone to take me and make me their bitch, turn my brain off and just exist in my physical and emotional experience. In the meantime I haven’t had sex since this happened and I’m not sure if I even want that right now.
I love my husband. We’re really best friends, we co-parent well, we’re aligned on how to run our house and I wouldn’t want anyone else at my side, but I don’t know if our romantic life is even relevant anymore. The stuff we’ve done in the last year, but especially the last few months, has brought us closer but it’s also shown us things that we were ignoring or pretending weren’t true about us.
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