he told me i could do it and then just… sat there and watched [gf perspective]

it wasn’t my idea. i need to say that first. he brought it up one night while we were lying in bed, just talking about random stuff. i think i made some offhand comment about a guy who’d been flirting with me and he just said, “what if you did something with him?” like he wasn’t even joking. like it was a real thing. i laughed. of course i did. and then asked if he was serious. and he just looked at me and said, “yeah. i kind of want to see it.” i don’t know why that didn’t scare me off. i should’ve said no. i should’ve pushed it away. but the idea got stuck in my head and i couldn’t stop wondering what it would feel like—to be the one doing it, while he watched. it happened a couple weeks later. nothing big. just a guy i knew, someone safe. we all knew why he was there. i kept waiting for my boyfriend to stop it, to say never mind. but he didn’t. he just sat on the chair across the room, arms crossed, eyes quiet. i kissed the other guy first. slowly. then more. i tried not to look at my boyfriend but i could feel his eyes. i wanted to ask if he was okay but the words never made it out. the whole time i felt weird. shaky. like my heart and body were in two different places. it wasn’t even about the guy. it was about being allowed. about doing something i never thought i could do. and when it was over, i felt this strange ache in my chest. not guilt exactly. but not excitement either. he held me after. didn’t say much. just, “was that what you wanted?” and i didn’t know how to answer. i still don’t.